Tonight's madness gone right.

So my neighbor asked me to watched her girls while she went to a meeting & since they're over everyday, I obviously didn't mind doing her the favor. But, when they got here all they kept doing was taking pictures with their smartphones, & I just asked them point plank. Are you taking them to post on instagram? They had a blank expression, and before they could respond I just said, I'm not dumb. I know you guys have instagram. (even though their mom forbids it) And so I let them know they can use my phone to log into their instagram, (just so I can keep an eye on their profiles) & they did. Then, they got to talking & one of the girls tells me that her and her friend is going to meet up some guy they met on the internet at the mall. (btw, this girl is 12 years old & my daughter is 11) So, I obviously freak out, and talk to them about the extreme dangers of it all, and that it may seem all fun and games now to meet up with some "so-called" famous guy but that they were actually putting their selves in a lot of danger. I talked to them about the dangers of fake accounts on social media to lure in little children, to kid nap them or worse... And it just amazed me how light hearted this girl was about everything. And with my daughter there listening, I made sure that I was clear that I would be telling their mom. And she responds, my mom already knows. ( imagine my expression ) And so the girls continue to look up guys profiles who are older with their shirts off, and pictures of them in bed. & I had to put my foot down, I said you know I am always here for you and at your age it's okay to have crushes on boys but it's another thing to bring pictures of half naked older guys in my home. And that they were going to have to stop. I said, we believe that God has hand picked someone for you and our daughter and you are hurting yourself by lusting after these guys who are only interested in sex and getting your attention. Long story short, I ended up talking to my daughter later after they left. & I talked to her about the importance of purity. Of guarding her heart, and that a simple tool like a smartphone can lead to too many temptations that Satan uses to lure her innocent heart in. And that God gave her parents to protect her. I mentioned how its hard to not be like her friends sometimes and to not be in the in crowd and not have a smartphone or instagram but that it was actually a blessing. To not have to be tempted and to focus on school and the life that God has made for her. The best part was her response. She said thank you for loving me. And we prayed together and she went to bed.  Every single day has felt like a battle being a mom, and most days I give up, and am hurt. And today when I thought she would say that I was lecturing her, she responded so differently. And I praise God for that.

Mommy-issues.

So, I just dropped off my mom at the airport like I've done many times before when she's flown here to visit. But, this time I couldn't help but cry in the car when she left. And as much as I tell myself I've completely moved on from my dysfunctional child hood (that consisted of her bailing from her mom role to do drugs and end up on the street)  I realized how much I do desire a relationship with her still. After I told myself I need her in my life. But I've never cried dropping her off. Their was something so final about it all this time. And I guess knowing that she won't be able to afford flying here anytime in the near future and that this was the last time Jade was an only grand child since my sister will have had her baby the next time we all see another again was what made me sad. Or that I realize how much older I'm turning this month therefore making my mom seem older. Whatever it is. I feel sad. And I miss my mom. She makes my life so much easier. And now I've realized I've been sitting here at the mall for an hour waiting for something new to draw my attention away from my sadness.

Where did this year go?

It's funny, looking back at how this whole year started out is just too crazy. It came & went in an entire blur, that I feel like I need a machine to completely free certain moments. At the beginning of this year, I was 23 & engaged, to a man I had only known a year, & had nothing done or planned for my wedding in July. I was a transitioning step-parent, who was almost drowning with stress of all of the drama involving most of my in-laws & filled up to my ears, with BMD. (Baby-momma-drama) BMD, lol. It sounds like a disease that you've been diagnosed with. Like, you sit in the doctor's office, and they bring you in to show test results of how you have a serious condition of BMD. -Okay, enough daydreaming. But, no seriously. At the beginning of this year, I was still trying to get my closest friends on board with me getting married..as well as my family. -shoot. Now that I think back, I was still trying to swallow the actual reality, that I was really and seriously, no joking around, going to be married.  And I went to LA, with my Best & Kade, went to Monterey, Disneyland twice. I planned and created a whole entire wedding from scratch on a budget. I was in the ER, for all the stress, I was working full-time. It was just ALOT. But, I feel like having gotten over that hump (by the grace of God) and that fear of "what's to come" I truly feel like I'm in the exact position I'm suppose to be in. And for the first time, I have no doubts about my life. I know that this is the beginning of something amazing, and now that I have my bestfriend/husband by my side, and a new mom role to fully embrace, I feel confident in whatever God has planned next.
And, I already know, knowing God & our track record, it's going to be awesome.